After many many months...

I am not sure where to begin because so much has happened. There are many things to write about and lots to update, but I guess the most significant one should be the birth of Emma.

Yes, I am officially a Mummy now! ANd I am living in excitement ( and exhaustion) every single day...

The past 4 months was a roller coaster ride - The birth of Emma, the demands of motherhood, slipping into post natal depression, the exhaustion, breastfeeding, going back to work, dealing with my MIL, maid problems, numberous domestic woes .... All rolled into one big blurry mess!

But I cannot deny that it has been an amazing experience so far. Although there were many days and nights that were filled with anxiety and deprived sleeps, not to mentioned lots of tears and fears... I am still thankful and I felt very blessed. I wish I have more time to write and to soak in those moments.

BUt I think I am struggling to keep awake these days .. so I need to sleep .. before the next feed...

LAter..

Nothing much.. just ranting again

Again, so many weeks have passed and the only thing that I have to show is a bulging belly, which explains why I’ve been tired and busy at the same time. The second trimester brings along more comfort. At least the sickness is gone and the appetite is back. There are other new discomforts though, but if you ask me, I am very glad that I am feeling generally fine.

The whole thing still feels surreal to me. There were days where I got all excited and happy, but there were also moments where it’s all panic and fear. I just don’t know how to describe it. Sometimes I find myself floating out and above and staring in disbelief at what is happening. I thought I’ve been prepared and I know I had planned for this but when it really hit me, I find that I ain’t so prepared after all. They say it’s normal to feel this way. I don’t know. As usual, the pressure always comes not from within, but from the outside world. There are just too many advises, too many dos and don’ts, and too much information. And going for the numerous check ups and scans sometimes scares the hell out of me. I am trying not to be frantic and uptight. And I don’t want to be too all-consuming about every little thing, especially when everything is so new to me now. There should be room for learning and time to adjust. And I should give myself that space. Nobody gets it right the first time. I just want to enjoy the whole process.

Okay so much for how I am feeling these days.

On the work front, there are the usual frustrations, both with the people and how things are done. I just finished a forecast exercise which leaves me feeling very exhausted and dissatisfied with myself and how I handle certain things. Mainly because I started losing patience with the people I work with and started judging them based on my own very high standard, which of course by doing that, almost all of them failed to live up to it. Putting the company aside, I’d like to see at least some progress in my team and how we do things. Surely after almost two years of grappling with budget, forecast and planning, and learning how this whole organization works, there must be some thing we’ve learned and could do better. There must be some inroads, a difference, which this team can make, in what would otherwise be a banal existence in this organization isn’t it? And yet, after so many rounds of budgets and forecasts, after so many meetings and discussions and talks, we are still circling back to where we started – which is nothing but a mess. And as clearly as I see it, it’s all due to ill discipline, a lack of passion and an attitude of indifference towards the things we do.

My comfort is that I am at least making some progress in other aspect of my life besides this shitty career. Although I haven’t accomplished as much as I wanted, I am at least seeing progress, which is very comforting. Meanwhile, I should just labour on and stay focus and be glad. And I am! I am very thankful for HIS love and Grace. There are just times when I think, perhaps the things I wanted to achieve is humanly impossible. Or inhumanly possible?! I don’t know. But I’ll just try my best and hope for the best.

A few things....

1) I've just bought tics to next year's If There're Seasons. I've seen the musical last year, but you know what, I can't wait to watch it again.

2) I was down with a very very bad cold last weak and it took me lots of little yellow cold tablets before I got it under control. And I am very frustrated over the conflicting advises from different doctors on the use of Flixonase at this point in time...Urgh!! So can I use it or not?? It was a life saver for me for the last 10 years and to ask me to stop using it now is like suicide! ANd when Dr Wong gave me the green light use it .... Everything just went away! Just like that ... I am so less miserable now.. But really I don't know if I am using it at my own risk. But I don't care. I really can't function without it. Yes, My allergy and sinus is THAT Bad!

I haven't blogged in ages simply because I've got no time.

I spent most of my weekends sleeping and on weekdays, I struggle to stay awake at work. It's not exactly fun to be constantly feeling sick and lousy but I am trying to look on the positive side of the whole situation. And I am hoping that those lousy feeling will pass soon.

July came and I finally got my bonus and raise. I am not complaining this time because if I really analyze my whole contribution and development over the past 1.5 years in the company, I've really not done much to deserve such generous financial rewards. But if I look deeper, and really, if I am really honest with myself, it's simply because I am wasting my talent and potential in this company. I didn't really have put in much effort to excel here. I am not implying that I am good. The reality is such that this is a company that is made up of management and workforce who are simply not hungry for success or leadership. And as such the culture and the work attitude of it's employees reflect that.

It suits me fine at this point in time as career takes a back seat because there is a bigger objective and purpose for me now. However, I am not sure if I ever want to become like one of them. I know I will hate myself if I ever let myself go to that zone.

But in all honesty, I feel very blessed now. I can't ask for more at this point in time. And for the second time in my life, I am thankful for HIS GRACE.

WE WILL ROCK U

Because I am a huge Queen fan, there is every reason for me to watch this musical when it came to town a few weeks ago. And despite the overpriced ticket, we ( the 4 of us ) went to catch it.

The Verdict: GREAT Music. Lousy Plot.

Much has happened since I last blogged. My trip to Chiang Mai was fantastic. We went elephant trekking on the mountains and tried rice planting for the first time. The villa we stayed in was absolutely beautiful. Being situated in the compound of Four Seasons Chiangmai, we get to enjoyed all the facilities of the hotel which was a treat. Our trip happened to coincide with Chiang Mai annual Flower festival and there was this huge carnival of display of beautiful flowers and decorations. It was fun...

Again, time seems to be flying. And again, my life seems to be a swirl of meaningless events happening and things not happening.

To update: Over the past months, I’ve taken a short trip to Chiang Mai, watched Chestnuts which was great but not that great compared to last year’s. I’ve bought some shares, and am currently in anticipation of certain investment opportunities that are coming up. I’ve started going back to Church. I am still practicing Yoga, which I realized, is one of those things which I have to do to keep my body going. I’ve also joined an aerobics class lately, but have since only attended one lesson before I fell sick with an infection and flu and had to skip class for two weeks. Not to mention that I have also been to the doctors several times over the last few months to address several medical problems, some of which is slowly consuming me and breaking me down into pieces and there is really nothing I could do except to continue popping the pills given to me and living with the side effects, hoping that in the end, things will work out and God would take pity on this vulnerable physical shell of mine. But I’ve somehow come to realize that there is nothing much one can do with a badly assembled car, Likewise, a badly assembled body.

Work wise, it has been unfullfiling. In fact, it has been so for a long time. There is nothing much I can say about it. I still appreciate the fact that the workload is extremely manageable and the pace here is nowhere compared to the mad rush of my previous jobs. But this kind of environment brings about another set of challenge. I am not trying to be hard to please. But trying to get used to how things are done here and dealing with some of the people here are almost impossible. I’ve learn to shut out the negatives but I don’t know how long I can do that. The recent loss of a HUGE government project makes me even more upset over how things are run. I have such high hopes for this one and now the sad fact of reality is that we are not as good as we think we are! And I think the organization should take this as a humbling lesson!

And as much as I know myself, I only write when things are not going well; or when I am caught in another landslide depressive situation beyond my ability to make anything good from it. After several emotional struggles, dialogue with God and myself and in the midst of trying to stay composed, I find myself turning to writing in cyber space for solace again...

There has been this wanting of something very badly that I keep thinking about it all the time, so much so that it consumes me. I am not sure if getting it will make me happy, or it would just be one of the many delusions that the world makes it out to be. But then again, I have to want it anyway because not wanting to pursue it makes it even harder to live in this highly myopic and unforgiving society.

In fact, when I look back over the years and how far I’ve come, it has always been about constantly living an altered reality, and that constant struggle to defy limitations. And when I eventually realized that I have no choice but to accept the cards that I am dealt with, the sense of resentment is always too overwhelming to swallow.

And I am beginning to be drowned in Anger again... And I am praying very hard to let go of it. God Help me.